Orange in Orange

The following column was published almost verbatim in Boise Weekly Wednesday (1/3/18). Any differences in the text have to do with my editing choices as opposed to someone else’s.

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Orange in Orange: And The Truth Shall Set Him Nuts

Is it too early to start discussing what to do with Trump once he’s in prison?

Oh, I know. There are many jaws to drop between now and that triumphant moment when the Crud-in-Chief is escorted into a 6’X8′ room where the sink and the toilet are a onesy. Still, the portion of Americans who believe not only was there collusion with Putin to influence the election, but that Trump actively encouraged it is already above 50-percent and growing like a crop of chia hair on a clay Robert Mueller head. I—and scads of others—anticipate that before the one-year anniversary of the inauguration, Jared the son-in-law and Donny Junior will be receiving their own personalized indictments, and that other administration figures will be racing one another to the state’s evidence recruiting booth.

Or, the punk could fire Mueller, as well might come to pass anytime after this opinion is in the mail. But should that happen, I am confident it would be just one more nail in the coffin of the GOP’s Congressional majority and the whole investigation resumes, full-bore and unimpeded, when the new Democrat House and Senate are sworn in a little over a year from now. One way or the other, sooner or later, Trump is going to have to face a boatload of bad music. After all, most Americans take a dim view of treason.

Now whether turning over all of Trump’s slimy rocks and exposing the nastiness beneath will lead to a drama that includes all five acts—to wit: impeachment, disgrace, prosecution, conviction and ultimately, imprisonment—remains to be seen. But as long as I’m spelling out the scenario I run through my head every night in order to get to sleep, we might as well examine my ideas on how the only U.S. president likely to transition from the White House to the Greybar Hotel should be treated during his stay there.

My suggestion? … to make him spend the rest of his life listening to the truth. We know he doesn’t much like having stark reality thrust upon him. Last month, it came out that the staffers presenting him with the daily briefings have to bury any unpleasantries (particularly reports of the Russian investigation) within written text—which he seems incapable of digesting—or he goes all Mommy Dearest on them. It should further demonstrate that the administration has an aversion to evidence-based information in the way they dictated (to the Centers for Disease Control) a list of seven words that are henceforth banned from use—including, most notably, “evidence-based.” And none but his most thick-skulled devotees can honestly say they believe any more than a fraction of what leaks out of his scrambled brain and into his scrambled speech.

So I’m thinking that what most people locked in the monotony of prison life would find a welcome relief—i.e., several hours a day of straight, unadulterated facts, figures, historical realities and undoctored analysis—Trump will find excruciating. Be like putting an elderly pig on a normal diet after a lifetime of feeding it nothing but ketchup-soaked steak. You might call it a rehabilitation program if you wish, but I’m satisfied to think of it as retribution. The damage this particular elderly pig has done to our nation precludes allowing him to rot away peacefully and unperturbed in a cell without some other, more meaningful, layer of punishment.

Yet I am not suggesting any excessive cruelty to the jailbird. Seriously, how much real harm can come to him by repeating several times a day that … say … his intelligence quotient would preclude him getting accepted to a community junior college had he not born into wealth and privilege? Or that his approval ratings are so low, Obama feels sorry for him? Or that he is fat, ugly, and that his hair-do has been the source of endless enjoyment by the millions of Americans who regard him as a no-class clown?

It would have to start gently, I feel, if only to soften up a mind so twisted by a lifetime of self-delusion. Begin with trivial matters until he grows more accustomed to hearing truth than he is to hearing his own bullshit. For instance, Obama’s Inauguration crowd was several times the size of yours would be a good first approach, or that Your hands truly are small for a man your size. I mean, even Trump, as repellent as he is, doesn’t need to hear Your wife married you for no other reason than money, and that Your children are foppish idiots who will blow whatever questionable fortune there may be out their asses before your first parole hearing comes up.

Later on, when he is toughened up enough to hear more substantial matters, he can be informed that Hillary is still greatly admired by people around the world, that America has enthusiastically joined the modern world in confronting global warming, that The day you entered prison has been turned into a national holiday, that Everything you think you accomplished in your brief presidency has been over-turned, undone, negated and flushed down the crapper into ignominy, and that Your name will go down in history as a synonym for “fool.”

Oh, and one more thing. He may be allowed a Twitter account, only his tweets must return to him alone, with all false statements highlighted in yellow and annotated by Barack Obama personally.

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