The Auto-Fellatio Tutorial We’d Never Thought We’d Need

To the sons of those Christians—evangelical and otherwise—who voted for, and continue to support, Trump:

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Boys, I know this must be a confusing time for you, what with all those nasty things your parents have been warning you against doing ever since you were knee-high to the family pit bull. And then they go fall in love—or if not in love, then at least in line—with a man who actually brags about doing those very same nasty things they taught you to never do.

Then, just days ago, you catch word of something sodarn … nasty that it’s hard to believe even your parents knew about it before last week. And it comes from the very mouth of the very man that your parents’ big hero hired to be his closest pal in the White House. Yes, that Scaramucci guy.

So, after thinking hard about this all weekend, I have decided somebody needs to explain a few things to you before you do something dumb and hurt yourself. And I am quite certain you’re not going to get this information from your ma and pa. Nope. Even if they knew anything about it, they would be too embarrassed to bring it up. even with each other, let alone their darling son.

Nor are you going to hear anything more about it from the news—either the fake kind or the real kind your Momma’s preacher tells you to believe at the risk of eternal damnation if you don’t. It just simply is not anything many people want to talk about, even if they are familiar with the phenomenon. For instance, I have little doubt in my mind that guy your parents like so much for their news—that Hannity guy—knows about it, and more than likely has tried it a few times. But you’re never, ever going to hear him admit it, especially on the air.

So, for better or worse, it’s up to me. And believe me, I’m not doing this because I want to, but because you could do some serious damage to yourself without knowing a few basic guidelines. It’s like that loaded gun your pa leaves on the coffee table in case the Muslims try to force some Sharia Law on your family: He told you to keep your paws off of it, right? But he didn’t get specific about what can happen to a human skull if you don’t keep your paws off of it, and it goes kerblooey! while you’re showing it to your buddies, did he? No, that’s because he doesn’t want you to have nightmares.

But anyway, that has nothing to do with this new nasty thing you heard about last week from Trump’s new BFF Scaramucci, and I’m not sure why I even brought it up, except that at some later date, I am willing to discuss with you some of the things that can happen to a human skull if a gun goes kerblooey!, either by accident or during a domestic violence situation.

So … as to what came out of Mr. Scaramucci’s mouth last week … yes, it is possible to suck your own cock. But you must remember, something being possible isn’t the same as something being smart. Or easy. Or very likely.

First off, you would have to ask yourself why anyone would want to do such a thing, suck their own cock—and I would prefer you keep your answer between yourself and your conscience. I really don’t want to know, and I’m confident in saying nobody else does, either.

But if it’s something you decide you would like to try someday, I warn you … you will have to lay off the soda pop. And the gummy worms. And the mac and cheese, the chocolate pudding, the pizzas, the bacon, the Texas Toast, the PB & J sandwiches, the chips, the dips, the buffalo wings, the triple cheeseburgers, the mid-meal snacks, the pre-bedtime ice cream, and just about everything else you habitually cram into your mouth every time you sit down.

What I am saying is this: Studies have shown that this particular trick (sucking your own cock) can only be accomplished by males with a maximum of three-percent body fat. And you’re way over that, aren’t you? In fact, if you are a typical southern-states young man, raised in a typical, southern-states, evangelical lifestyle and ingesting a typical, southern-states, lower-middle-class diet, you are already at least seven-percent Mountain Dew, alone, not counting the four-percent Moon Pie, the five-percent nacho cheese, and the 14-percent Popeye’s fried chicken.

Furthermore, even if you happen to be in shape, fat-wise, to pull off this stunt, you would be wise to join a yoga class and work your way to your ultimate goal (sucking your own cock) very slowly. Vertebrae are not something you want to mess around with. You only have 33 of them—assuming there have been no genetic mutations in your family for the past few generations—and they don’t grow back if a few of them go kerblooey!

But should you decide that yoga is the way to go with this training regimen, you should also be aware that, according to most fundamentalist Christian leaders, there is no quicker highway to Hell than putting on a pair of those super-tight yoga sweats and rolling around on a mat along with two-dozen other people. You see, yoga originated in another religious tradition than the one your parents raise you in, and you know what God thinks about His followers screwing around with other religious traditions, right? Ask your Momma’s preacher. He’ll tell you. Jesus didn’t do yoga!

Of course, Jesus didn’t suck his own cock, either. So the fact that you’re even thinking about doing it shows how far you’ve already strayed. I doubt a few yoga sessions will matter much.

Okay then, I hope I’ve been helpful. If, in spite of everything I’ve told you, you’re going to go ahead and try to suck your own cock, do not—repeat: do not—attempt it next to the coffee table where your Pa keeps the gun. Should an accident happen, you don’t want to be found all twisted up like a naked pretzel, do you?

And one more thing: Should you decide you want no part of sucking your own cock, but still cannot get the thought out of your mind, go back to Mr. Scaramucci’s exact words and try picturing Steve Bannon sucking his own cock.

That image should drive the idea from you brain for ever and ever.

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