I have a confession to make.
Remember Monday last? … when I told you I had a toothache? Well, I didn’t. I lied. Sunday night, when I normally prepare my Monday morning Mr. Cope’s Cave post, I had no toothache. Saturday, I had a toothache, yes. And Friday, I had a toothache—most likely the same one I had Saturday. But by Sunday, the toothache was gone. Went off to wherever toothaches go when they pack up and move out.
So why’d I lie? Especially to you, my dear, dear Facebook friends—each and every one of whom I love more than I’d ever dreamt I could love people that I’ve never met and really don’t know a thing about other than you have a cat you think is the cutest fucking thing on the planet. How could I lie to you?
Frankly, it didn’t bother me as much as you might expect. Truth is, I just simply didn’t feel much like writing that night. And especially, writing about that … that … THING on which I’ve been writing non-stop since the deviated bastard declared his candidacy for president. (I’m confident you know what THING I’m talking about.)
(For at least six months, I have been doing my best to not use his name anymore than I absolutely, absolutely have to. I makes me feel all icky inside just to see it spelled out. And I don’t believe I’m alone. I get a kick out of all the substitutes that you … my fabulous, fabulous Facebook friends … have come up to avoid giving him the validation or respect of putting his ugly five letters into print.)
(My favorite is “ferret-faced shit weasel.”)
Anyway, I didn’t feel I could just come out and say “I don’t feel like writing tonight.” I’ve already used that excuse more times than is probably wise, considering I want people to continue to come to this site and read my stuff. I mean, why would anyone keep coming back when all I have to give them is … Sorry, folks. Ol’ Bill just ain’t in the mood.
So instead, I made up the story about how I had a toothache. (Which, when you think about it, was really not a total lie, since I actually did have a toothache 24 hours earlier. You could say the only lie I told had to do with chronological placement, right? Tense, rather than … uh, whatever a real, 100-percent lie is.
The only thing I felt a tad bad about was the sympathy I received from so many of my kind, kind Facebook friends. I even got some of those little, sad cry-y faces from some of you. I truly, truly hope that I didn’t actually bring you to tears.
Now, as to this post, I’m afraid I’m going to have to wrap it up. I know it doesn’t actually amount to much of anything—that I’ve just been rambling on in a disconnected and irrelevant manner, especially when so much is going on in the country relative to that … that … THING … we talked about earlier. But the deal is, I think I may be coming down with something. Probably West Nile fever. Yep, no doubt about it, now that I’ve had time to think about it. It’s West Nile fever. It’s been reported, you know, in local mosquitoes, so it’s not like it couldn’t happen, huh? And I definitely have a West Nile fever-y vibe going on right now. Definitely. Can’t imagine what else it might be.
So … gotta run. Maybe get myself some chicken noodle soup and go to bed. Hope for your sake … my wonderful, wonderful Facebook friends … that I’m feeling better by Sunday night. Wish me luck.
(Oh, just had a parting thought. You don’t suppose that … that … THING’S name is an acronym for something, do you? Something, perhaps, along the lines of … say … Thoroughly Repugnant Utterly Misbegotten Prick?)