As you remember …
… I decided last week to photo-flop the great impostor’s repugnant mug onto a variety of publications as a parody of what he, himself, had done with a fake issue of Time magazine. Only trouble with my plan? … ol’ Bill ain’t never photo-flopped anything before.
So I put out a call to photo-popping adepts, offering the chance for the most impressive to collaborate in this project, and I want to thank the dozens and dozens and dozens of very kind souls who responded to my request. It’s wonderful and encouraging to know there are so many dozens and dozens and dozens of very generous … talented … and, uh …
Aw hell. I got three offers. Three! And two of them wanted money up front. Screw that. I’ll do it myself.
I mean, how hard can it be, really? I know a guy who has to wear sneakers with velcro straps because he’s never quite mastered that thing you and I do with shoe laces. Yet he can photo-drop anyone-in-the-world’s head onto the body of a luscious naked babe—which, from the comfort of his momma’s basement, he does over and over and over, all day long, every day. And he’s really good at it. You would swear that those really were Henry Kissinger’s boobs.
Anyway, I should have just jumped in and did this last week. By waiting for potential collaborators to send me their resumes, I was scooped on the gag by any number of competitors, notably Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon. (Yes dammit! Whether or not Colbert and Fallon consider me a competitor, I consider them competitors. After all, bottom line is it’s all about grabbing a few seconds of those ephemeral American attention spans, and whether we’re talking 5 million in the audience, or 5, it’s all the same business. So there!)
Before I get started, I need to acknowledge that I may be playing footloose and fancy-free with some copyright infringements in the following photo-lobbed images. Therefore, I promise I will delete any or all of these pictures the second I get a letter from a lawyer.
Any lawyer. I ain’t taking chances.
Also, I came to the decision that it doesn’t necessarily have to be familiar periodicals or popular magazines for the parody to work. For instance, I think this one …
… is just as funny as it would be on the cover of an Architectural Digest. And having found the book on a shelf in my basement, it was a hell of a lot cheaper.
People magazine keeps coming to our house for some reason. I don’t read it, my wife doesn’t read it, and generally speaking, the issues end up in the recycling bin within an hour of when they are delivered. I held onto this one, for the reason you’ll see below …
… not that I’m implying John-John would have anything to do with this slab of bad meat. It’s just that I didn’t have a lot of publications to choose from, being too cheap to go out and buy any.
The next one came in the mail, too. I held onto it for different reasons, but I’m glad I did.
I had a fresh idea from this picture that perhaps it would be an effective deterrent to would-be sexual predators and assaulters if young women wore a big rubber Trump mask everywhere they went. So I tried it out on another risqué image …
… and sure enough. It certainly squelches any amorous thoughts in yours-truly’s libido.
I went through my album collection for the next one. If I remember correctly, the cover I picked raised a big stink in certain purist circles because it was the first album out after Dylan went electric. This should take some of the sting out of it.
The next one ought to be self-explanatory:
The next is for those who still have a sense of irony about things. Besides, the magazine is free and can be found on racks at conveniences store everywhere.
This one has me the most nervous. I imagine The New Yorker has some killer lawyers, don’t you?
But I couldn’t resist. See, under that big ugly head is a caricature of Vladimir Putin. Get it?
And finally, my favorite:
I mean, really! … doesn’t it just make sense that, along with every other rotten thing about him, he’d have bad breath, too?
So there you have it. My first photo-plodding effort. I don’t think I did bad, do you? Sure, there’s room for improvement, but for a beginner? … huh? Don’t be surprised if you see more of this sort of thing out of me.