Shame On You, Johnny Depp!

Assassination jokes are! Not! Funny!

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Now, Johnny, I realize that you aren’t, technically, a comedian. Though, I gotta say, I think that Jack Sparrow character was genius. At least, for the first couple of movies. After that, it got a little tired, sure. But that doesn’t take away from what a gas you were back when it started.

But anyway, I concede it’s possible that in the hands of a real pro—Amy Schumer, for instance, or Chris Rock—an assassination joke could be funnier than hell, depending on the delivery, the audience, the setting, the set up, and of course, the choice of who gets assassinated. Like, when I think about it, I can imagine a really good stand-up guy … maybe Rodney Dangerfield or Seinfeld … riffing on taking a shot at some horrible, horrible human being. Hitler immediately comes to mind, but it’s not like there’s ever a shortage of horrible, horrible people. And I can almost hear Joan Rivers … or better yet, Phyllis Diller … cracking a crowd up with a story about what she’d like to do to Kim Jong-un, or maybe Ted Bundy. Or her husband.

I also suppose it’s true that if a twat like Ted Nugent can joke about shooting Hillary Clinton or Obama, then it’s perfectly okay to joke about shooting Ted Nugent. Johnny, maybe that’s who you should have joked about assassinating—Ted Nugent. There aren’t many people who would have been upset about that.

But! … a president!? Now that’s a whole nuther matter! Obviously, I mean a U.S. president, because if you’d been joking about offing a French president or a … say … Venezuelan president, I doubt if a quarter of your audience would have any idea whom you were talking about, anyway.

But our own? Nuh-uh! Four of our sitting presidents have been murdered, two more who died while in office are rumored to have been murdered, and there have been attempts—either unfulfilled plots or real shots fired—against 14 others. So seriously, even though we Americans have a rich history of presidential assassinations, we still don’t think it’s very damn funny. Not when 20 presidents out of 45 have either dodged a bullet. Or not.

(Wow. That’s almost half of all our presidents, and when you think about it, that’s pretty damn funny. And of course, by “funny,” I mean “fucked up.”)

But listen, Johnny, to make matters worse, your timing was off. Way, way off. And I don’t mean just your comedic timing. Really, had you joked about something bad happening to this dumb bastard two or three years ago, back when he was making such an raging butthole of himself over Obama’s birth certificate—rather than today, when he’s making a raging butthole of himself over everything—you might have gotten away with it. (I mean, joking about it, not actually doing it. Really, I doubt if more than 10 or 12 people would have cared what happened to the gasbag before he started running for president.)

Besides, as someone who hates him as much as anyone on Earth, I can personally testify that I do not—repeat: do not—want to see this sloppy stool specimen assassinated. No sir! That is far too easy an out for the likes of him. I want him to live a long, long life. Of course, I want him to live it in a federal prison—a particularly filthy one—and I want him to live it knowing he is one of the most shameful, detested losers that was ever born of woman, and that the word “trump” will forever-on be synonymous with degeneracy, stupidity, treason and failure. That, Mr. Depp, would be funny.

So look, no more assassination jokes, okay? Just put a lid on that kind of comment and keep those thoughts to yourself.

You know … like all the rest of us do.

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