The Long Hand of the Law

Over the weekend, Trevor Noah got me to thinking …

thinking drawing[1993].png

… about something. I was watching a clip of Noah’s coverage of the appointment of Robert Mueller as a special counsel assigned to investigate the links between the Trump campaign and … oh hell, I don’t need to tell you what Robert Mueller has been assigned to investigate, do I? And by the way, don’t you feel considerably cheerier about the world since Wednesday? Not yet time to throw a big party, no. But perhaps we could start warming up the barbecue.

So anyway, during Noah’s routine, he was expanding on how Mueller seems to be everything Trump is not: honorable … believable … dependable … able. He even joked about the difference in their hands. And being the curious sort that I am, I went a-googling to see if there’s any substance to Noah’s crack.

And I’ll be damned if it isn’t true. See for yourself. Here’s the special counsel …

Mueller 1[1988].jpg

And here’s the special case …

Trump 2[1992].jpg

Aside from all the other remarkable disparities so obvious in these two individuals— especially in regards to intelligence, maturity, innate decency, and the urge to puke every time you see him—we can hardly deny these images show a remarkable difference in their hands. One looks like he’s actually accomplished some weighty and important things with those meat hooks …

mueller hands 2[1989].jpg

… while the other …

trump 1[1991].jpg

… looks like he must have spent a life using those pathetic little claws for little more than picking his nose.

So, as I said, I’ve been thinking. What if it’s true that there really are only two kinds of people in the world, but it has nothing to do with all usual dichotomies we’ve heard suggested—the Right vs. Left, Protestants vs. Catholics, whites vs. darks, cat people vs. dogs people, hunters vs. gatherers … etc.

What if it all has to do with the hands? Big hands on confident, secure people who have nothing to prove, vs. teeny little weakling hands on people who always seem to be trying to over-compensate for something?

Look, I have neither the time nor the time left to launch an intensive scientific inquiry into this matter. Besides, my educational background is in trombone, not ontology. But I would think some up-and-coming Freud or Alfred Kinsey might make a life-long study in hand size (as it relates to human—or in-human—behavior), if for no other reason than he or she would be the only one doing it. You know,  like the guy who sculpts busts of NFL players out of guacamole, or the stand-by ocarina blower in the philharmonic.

I leave you with a few more images of notable hands upon which to cogitate. Here’s a striking picture of one of James Comey’s hands.


Does that look like the hand of a “nut job” to you? No sir, I’d say when that hand swears to something, you can believe it.

Here are two of the most famous hands in history.


Them babies are real log splitters, yes? A guy with hands like that couldn’t help but save a nation. And they look even better in marble.


On the other hand …


Tell me those aren’t some of the puniest, sad-ass hands you’ve ever seen.


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