Just because we detest the cancerous prick with the heat of a thousand suns …
… doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate his more notable accomplishments on this eve of his 100th day in office. I mean, really … for every shit stain of depravity whose very essence mocks the notion that Mankind is a noble animal by nature, there must be a silver lining, if only we know how to look.
Following are some silver linings to our Shit Stain of Depravity-in-Chief:
- Between him and those who voted for him, we have all had to reexamine our long-held assumptions on the over-all intelligence of the species homo sapiens. It was probably time we humans had a sobering dose of humility. What with so many people endlessly fiddle-fucking with their smart phones, it was inevitable that far too many would start to believe they, too, were smart.
- His strong showing in Bible Belt-ish backwaters has illustrated for our enlightenment that we no longer have any obligation whatsoever to consider evangelical Christians as being any more moral, principled or virtuous than a pack of cannibalistic hyenas. However, the evangelicals would triumph hands down in a hypocrisy comparison, as cannibalistic hyenas have never pretended they are anything other than what they seem to be.
- He has reinvigorated journalistic interest in arcane, and somewhat dry, concepts such as nepotism, emolument clauses, bribery and influence peddling—all of which is great news for American ethics. It was starting to look like a piece-of-shit politician had to be caught with an actual, physical dead hooker in his trunk to be called out for being a piece-of-shit, as merely getting caught bragging about sexually assaulting women seems to have lost it’s power to shock.
- He has demonstrated more emphatically than any other past president could ever hope to what can happen when we become too lackadaisical about our civic duties and political involvement. Perhaps when those who continually justify their staying home on election day with the line “It just encourages the bastards” are withering away from some pre-existing condition that prevents them from finding any medical relief they can afford, they will wish they had given a tad more encouragement to the woman who promised to protect and expand Obamacare.
- He has single-handedly put to bed the decades old myth that there is no difference between Democrats and Republicans. Of course, we can only pray that Green Party voters have pulled their heads out of their asses long enough to learn the lesson.
- He has inspired the world to journey beyond conventional lexicography and enter unexplored linguistic territory in search of new phraseology to describe him—e.g., “Fecal Pellet,” “Puss-Dripping Caca-Wart,” “Sub-Anthropomorphic Ass-Maggot,” “Urine-Tinged Mega-Douche,” etc. If language is indeed the truest measure of human ingenuity, we have entered into a Golden Age of communicative creativity, thanks to the Sagging Sack of Scrotum Sweat.
This recounting of the Foully-Flatulent Swine’s accomplishments does not even mention the wondrous things he has done for political cartoonists, comedians, late-night talk show hosts, feminist activism, town-hall meetings, the disillusionment of dumbasses who voted for him, the Democrats’ chances in ’18, and nostalgia for the Obamas. I am certain we are all looking forward with bated breath to what he pulls off in the second 100 days.