I’m Making It My Pet Project To Provide Melania With A Pet Project

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Of course, I’m not talking about MY readers—not when I suggest there are millions upon millions of Americans who know more about the history of Batman than they know about the history of the United States.

But … yes. There are millions upon millions of Americans who know more about the history of Batman than they know about the history of the United States. And among all the other things they don’t know, they may not realize there is a relatively long tradition—80-some years, at least—of presidential wives having a special pet project with which they engage their time and energies so that they don’t come across to the public as designer-dressed dust bunnies wafting uselessly about the White House.

Most recently, Michele Obama took on the anathema of childhood obesity. Before her, Laura Bush, an ex-schoolmarm, tried to get more attention directed to education, while her mother-in-law Barb went even more basic by pushing literacy.

Nancy Reagan’s crusade was against drug abuse, Rosalynn Carter’s was mental health awareness, and Betty Ford promoted the Equal Rights Amendment. Lady Bird Johnson was a double threat, extolling the virtues of both a more beautiful America and the Head Start program. Jackie Kennedy kept her efforts closer to home when she set out to refurbish the White House.

As both Franklin Roosevelt and Bill Clinton understood they had wives who were just as capable of leading this country as they themselves were, they cut their spouses—Eleanor and Hillary, respectively—loose to take on monumental national problems: segregation and health care.

None of these outstanding ladies were as successful in their advocacy as I’m sure they would have preferred. There are, after all, large swathes of the nation that evidently didn’t hear Lady Bird’s call to “Beautify America,” and remain as ugly as hairy warts on a debutante. Hillary Clinton was stymied by insurance companies and their Congressional butt-boys, mental health issues are as desperate as they were when Mrs. Carter addressed them, and even with Betty Ford’s best efforts, the ERA failed. And of course, there are still a lot of fat kids around, swilling Big Gulps and feeding the broccoli to the rabbit under the table, in spite of Michele’s vegetable garden.

Still, they all meant nothing but the best, and they must be admired for using their positions for such worthy causes. Which brings us to the current First Lady, Melania Trump.

Unless she has chosen her worthy cause in secret and has it stashed away in the same secure location that her husband keeps his tax returns, it appears Melania is having some trouble settling on an issue with which to convince us there is more to her than her wardrobe. Perhaps it’s because she is so new to America, relatively, that she has yet to identify a cause to which she might lend her glamorous presence. Then again, perhaps she enjoys her hours alone at the top of Trump Tower—emphasis on “alone.”

It may be that she dreads the prospect of getting out of the house and going to places where the bathroom fixtures aren’t gold plated. Or has she been directed by her husband to forget any attempt to fix anything, seeing as how if anything needs fixing, he’s the best—indeed, the only—person to do it?

But to give her the benefit of a doubt, let us return to the first option mentioned and assume Melania is so oblivious to how average Americans live that she can’t even conceive of how there could possibly be a problem that the secret service guys who hang out in the elevator, or a weekend get-away to Mar-A-Lago, couldn’t solve.

So today, I am offering a few suggestions she might consider as her very own FLOTUSUPP (First Lady Of The United States Unique Pet Project). I mean, really … just think of all the expertise she could share with us little guys! Especially us super-rich, high-society women little guys!

  • For instance, imagine how grateful millions of girls and women—even the occasional Judy Garland impersonator—would be if Melania should put her thin shoulder to the wheel and promote the proper way to walk in heels. Honestly, aren’t you just sick of the way regular American’s clunk around in their Louis Vuitton’s like giraffes with bad ankles? I know I am.
  • And what doesn’t she know about dealing with a pussy grabber? Do not tell me that she couldn’t share a thing or two about that with our daughters—specifically on how to attract, and then hold the affections of, the very richest, most egregious pussy grabbers. An entire up-coming generation of young ladies could learn how to snag themselves a gross, old, sexual deviant billionaire, right? … if only they had some inspiration from someone’s who’s been there.
  • And what about all of us citizens who are squandering, each in our own way, millions of dollars of taxpayers’ money? Wouldn’t it be marvelous to have someone show us how to do it with such panache? Seriously, whenever I’m blowing that kind of public largesse out my ass, I can’t help but feel just a teensy-weensy guilty, don’t you? But if Melania, in refusing to join her husband in Washington, has any reservations whatsoever about going through Secret Service resources like a clan of maggots goes through a dead dog, she sure doesn’t show it.

So maybe she could start some sort of program that offers a community education in how to behave shamelessly, you suppose? And it wouldn’t have to be strictly shamelessness over wasting taxpayer money by behaving like a snotty, entitled princess. This project could cover shamelessness over excusing sexual assault, not paying the bills we owe contractors, defrauding suckers with fake universities and so much more. It could even demonstrate how to show no shame over working with a hostile foreign government to subvert an American presidential election. Now that is world-class shamelessness!

Not that Melania’s done all of that personally. But she’d sure know who to go to for advice … wink wink.

  • Our beloved First Lady might also consider putting her entire 98 I/2-pounds of heft behind the Slovenian/American Friendship Society—not to be confused with the Slovakian/American Friendship Society. After all, throughout its entire existence, the SAFS (not to be confused with the SAFS) has not had a single member we Americans have ever heard of before—which would almost certainly account for us not being aware there even is a Slovenian/American Friendship Society.

Melania could change all that. Definitely, as the only First Lady to have immigrated from that vital U.S. ally—known the world over for it’s famous … uh … um, now there’s a Google question for the kids, yes?—she could put Slovenian/American culture on the radar of millions who would never know we were living amongst so many Slovenian/Americans, if not for her.

Unless … of course … our beloved First Lady would rather not draw attention to the exact manner in which she went from being a Slovenian citizen to being an American citizen.

But then, on second thought, were any embarrassing questions to arise, she always has that anchor baby of hers to fall back on.

Besides, I don’t imagine many ICE agents would be eager to drive her to the border and put her on a bus. Wink wink.

Okay that’s a start. I’m sure there are many other causes that might attract the First Lady’s passionate nature and quick intelligence. But what I’ve put down here is a start. If only I can get her to read this …

… hey, I just thought of something. She does read English, doesn’t she?

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