Advanced Dumb

One of the things people don’t realize about Evolution …


… is that everything—everything!—evolves. It is the operative principle behind all things biological, as you have known all your life if you aren’t a howling fundamentalist dumbshit, but it is also the operative principle behind whatever there is in the physical, and non-physical, cosmos.

That’s right, that’s right. It’s a truth you don’t often hear, that evolution is the guidance system which has determined the past, is determining the present, and will determine the future of everything from astrophysics to fashion, from geology to gerrymandering, from spirituality to Spandex, from glossaries to global warming to gluten sensitivity to glee clubs.

You don’t hear about it, yet it is inescapable. You can deny it all you want, but even your denials are continuing to evolve, isn’t that so? Let’s say you are a howling fundamentalist dumbshit, and every time you claim to refute Darwin on some point or other, and much smarter people than you turn your argument into smashed hash almost as soon as it exits your mouth, then you have to evolve your nonsense into a new line of contrived bullshit. Isn’t that right?

Yes, of course it is. Even dumbshits and their dumbshit arguments  are evolving—either in ways that will eventually prove to be successful, or in ways that will eventually prove to be new dead-ends—and it happens whether or not their minds are introspective and agile enough to recognize the shifts for what they are. Evolution.

And there is a simple reason why none of us, or nothing around us, or nothing from here to the end of the Universe in all of Time can step off this great, continuous, ever-lasting process of Evolution—being: Evolution, at its most basic, is nothing more than one thing leading to another.

Think about it—can you name one thing, one concept, one philosophy or art or history or invention or design or musical form or field of study or one individual’s life or architectural movement or medical innovation or disease or religious movement or political trend or war or peace or how your cousin knocked up a girl from St. Louis and now they live in Florida or anything! … that didn’t result from one thing leading to another?

(More likely, particularly in regards to the evolution of species and anything else of a complex nature, it’s several things—perhaps thousands of things—leading to another. But you see, I’m trying to keep this as easy to follow as possible should there be some fundamentalists reading it. You smart people will understand, I’m sure.)

Now, having established that all of creation (small “c”), including the societal, cultural and behavioral aspects of that creation, are ever-evolving products of an ever-evolving Evolution, it should not be difficult to accept that, just as advanced thought can be seen to evolve—i.e., the progression from simple arithmetic through so many permutations as algebra and calculus and set theory and such—it is equally true that un-advanced thought evolves as well, even if it means evolving from stupid into stupider, then into even stupider still—

—which brings me to why I’ve decided to write this particular piece at this particular time. Do we all remember Ken Ham?

I bet you do, especially those who try to stay aware of what howling fundamentalist dumbshits are up to these days. Ken Ham is that guy—or “mate,” as he hails from Australia—who built what he claims is a replica of Noah’s Ark down in Kentucky. One of my very first posts, back in July, was about him and his Ark, which is essentially an amusement park designed to promote an prolong the variety of abject ignorance one can find so abundantly in fundamentalist religions and places like Kentucky.

Ham has made a career out of insisting the Earth is 6000 years old, and that evolution science is false. We would suppose his career took a more lucrative turn with the Noah’s Ark theme park, since it costs $40 to get in and see the thing—not to mention that the park was built in part with state (taxpayer) funds.

Now, understand—Ken Ham is by no means alone with his claim that everything that has ever happened in the universe has happened in a mere six millennia. That is standard witlessness among those who wouldn’t know how to spell “metaphorical,” let alone admit there may be some of it in their Bibles.

But I do believe he has risen to the top of the cuckoo class because he took on a dilemma that had nagged fundamentalists for centuries. That being: How could dinosaurs have come to be, thrived, then died out so many millions of years before the Earth was even created?

Ham’s answer—as simple as it is simple-minded—is: They didn’t. Dinosaurs were here all along, just another bunch of beasts God put here for Adam and his descendants to  … what? Enjoy? Run from? Ride like donkeys? Train to roll over and fetch? Dress up in funny human clothes? Bonk over the head with a club and eat? Who knows?

Seriously, Ken Ham is so certain that dinosaurs lived hand-in-scaly claw with those early men that he included dinosaur stalls in his rendition of Noah’s ark. But as there is no record, anywhere, of how Mankind and Dinokind inter-reacted, until recently, we could only guess what the relationship might have been. If only some of those first artists had included some dinosaur figures along with all the other creatures they depicted on cave walls from Lascaux to Leang Lompoa … or if the Egyptians had gotten something down on papyrus, just one single mention of how they dealt with their dinosaurs … or even if there was something in the Bible about how 30-ton lizards were being herded like goats, or being exploited for shocking deviancies in Sodom and Gomorrah.

But, alas … no. Not a damn word, not a damn hieroglyph, not a damn Veda or Dead Sea scroll or excerpt from the Gilgamesh epic offering us a clue as to what men did with dinosaurs up until dinosaurs disappeared from the earth, leaving only fossils that some War-on-Christmas hoaxers have spent centuries making look really, really, really old.

Well, thank you Ken Ham! He’s cracked the mystery. As of last week, we now know what men did with those dinosaurs that God gave them to do all that stewarding over. They put them in the arena to fight it out with giants!!!!!!!!!!

You know, like in Gladiator? Only, instead of Nubians and barbarians with swords and spears, they used mean-ass dinosaurs with claws and fangs. And instead of Russell Crowe, they used really big Goliathy dudes.

Ken Ham is so convinced this is the way it was, he’s opening a new exhibit in his Ark park. I don’t know if it’s going to be live action—like with animatronic T-Rex duking it out with pro wrestlers and off-season NBA players—or whether it’ll be a simple to-scale diorama. Either way, I’ve no doubt whatsoever that Kentuckians will line up like little morons at a Trump rally to catch the act.

Which brings us back to my topic—the evolution of stupidity.

Friends, I believe we are witnessing in our time a quantum leap in just how goddam dumb human beings can get. We can only speculate about which one thing, or collection of things, might have led to this alarming level of stubborn, structured, and strikingly uncivil stupidity. But anymore, we can see manifestations of it nearly everywhere we look.

I mean, we don’t even have to include the dizzying dumbness of Ken Ham, not when we have millions of “Christians” cheering on, adulating and adoring the most un-Christ-like figure to ever pollute the office of President …

 … when we have American citizens actually believing the twisted filth spewing from the demented brains of, just to mention two, Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones …

… when we have such an intense and mindless hatred of science and all other forms of scholarliness that it threatens the very future of our world …

… then how can we deny that, like a virulent pathogen evolving beyond the reach of antibiotics and remedy, the strain of stupidity infecting our nation has evolved so far beyond the reach of sense and reason that we may have to consider the possibility that this larger organism of ours … this collection of individuals and ideas and ideals we thought could never be so profoundly sickened … this America of ours … may have evolved itself into a dead end.

I have no notion of how to counteract such advanced, brutish density. Traditionally, one would speak to the oafs—s-l-o-w-l-y—and try to get them to grasp such intellectual fundamentals as cause-and-effect, logic, common sense and critical analysis. But I’m afraid that approach is no longer an option, not when dealing with the sort of person who would take a charlatan like Ken Ham seriously.

No, the only thing I can think of to confront this menace is to be as unlike them as is humanly possible. In other words: Stay smart and get smarter. We’re going to need every lucid mind we can muster.



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