GONE SNOWFORTING

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COPE’S CAVE WILL BE CLOSED FOR BLOGGING TODAY, AS MR. COPE CALLED IN EARLY THIS MORNING AND ANNOUNCED HE IS TAKING A “SNOW DAY.” THOSE OF US IN UPPER MANAGEMENT HAVE TRIED TO CONVINCE HIM THAT SNOW DAYS ARE NOT GENERALLY THOUGHT OF AS SOMETHING RESPONSIBLE ADULTS CAN RELY ON AS AN ALTERNATIVE TO DOING THEIR JOBS—PARTICULARLY WHEN THEY WORK AT HOME, AS DOES MR. COPE. BUT HE WAS ADAMANT, ARGUING THAT HE HADN’T HAD A SNOW DAY IN ALMOST 60 YEARS. HE MAINTAINS THAT (IN LIGHT OF THE EXTRA-ORDINARY LEVELS OF SNOW THAT HAVE ACCUMULATED IN THE AREA OF LATE) IF HE DOESN’T GET A SNOW DAY OUT OF ALL THIS, HE MAY NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE.

WE CANNOT HELP BUT FEEL THERE IS MORE TO MR. COPE’S BEHAVIOR THAN A NOSTALGIC YEARNING FOR THE EUPHORIA THAT COMES WITH LEARNING SCHOOL HAS BEEN CANCELED FOR THE DAY. THERE HAVE BEEN OTHER INDICATIONS HE IS UNDERGOING SOME SORT OF ADVERSE REACTION TO REALITY AS IT CURRENTLY EXISTS. TO WIT: ANY, AND EVERY, TIME HE HEARS THE WORDS “THE PRESIDENT-ELECT … “—BE IT FROM ONE OF HIS ASSOCIATES HERE AT MR. COPE’S CAVE OR FROM THE TELEVISION—HE IMMEDIATELY CLOSES HIS EYES AS TIGHTLY AS POSSIBLE, COVERS HIS EARS WITH HIS HANDS, AND SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS, “LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA!” THIS CAN GO ON FOR SEVERAL MINUTES, AS THOUGH HE WANTS THERE TO BE NO POSSIBILITY WHATSOEVER OF COMING OUT OF HIS FIT BEFORE THE CONVERSATION HAS MOVED ON TO OTHER MATTERS.

ALSO, WE HAVE NOTICED THAT HIS TELEVISION VIEWING HABITS HAVE CHANGED CONSIDERABLY. WHERE-AS IN THE PAST—AS RECENTLY AS THE FIRST WEEK IN NOVEMBER—HE WAS WHAT COULD ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A “NEWS JUNKIE.” HOWEVER, HE NOW SPENDS INORDINATE AMOUNTS OF TIME WATCHING THE REPLAYING OF ANCIENT PRESENTATIONS LIKE THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW, GUNSMOKE, AND THE MULTITUDE OF STAR TREK SERIES. (PERHAPS EVEN MORE DISTURBING IS HIS GROWING OBSESSION WITH STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE.  HE IS CONVINCED HE HAS FOUND A HIDDEN WARNING TO THE FUTURE IN THE NAME THOSE WRITERS GAVE TO A MALEVOLENT ALIEN SPECIES, THE “CARDASSIANS.” JUST YESTERDAY, HE SPENT THE ENTIRE MORNING CONFRONTING VARIOUS STAFF MEMBERS, DEMANDING THAT THEY SHARE IN HIS ALARM. AS HE PUT IT SO FERVENTLY: “‘CARDASSIANS,’ HUH? HUH?  AND NOW WE HAVE ‘THE KARDASHIANS!’ HUH? HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT! HUH? THINK ABOUT IT!”)

THERE ARE MORE PECULIARITIES WE COULD TELL YOU ABOUT, BUT WE MUST NOW STOP EVERYTHING WE ARE DOING AND HELP MR. COPE FIND HIS MITTENS. YES, HIS MITTENS. HE JUST NOW WENT STORMING THROUGH THE OFFICE DEMANDING THAT WE ALL HELP HIM FIND HIS MITTENS SO THAT HE CAN GO OUTSIDE AND, IN HIS WORDS ” … BUILD THE BESTEST, BIGGEST SNOW FORT ANYONE ANYWHERE HAS EVER BUILT.”

PLEASE COME BACK ON MONDAY, AS WE HOPE BY THEN TO HAVE THIS EPISODE WELL BEHIND US. IN THE MEANTIME, ENJOY THE MUSICAL INTERLUDE WE ARE PROVIDING, AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE—THE MANAGEMENT.

 

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