Word is Facebook has decided to do something about all that fake news …
… that’s been showing up on their news feed—or as I prefer to call it, that endless stream of essentially useless bullshit that proves human beings no longer have a viable function in the ecosystem.
Well, I say “Nuts to that!” Big Facebook ain’t gonna dictate to this swinging dork what’s real or not! Besides, who says liars, conspiracy lunatics, stupid idiots, foreign powers meddling in our elections, neo-fascists who wish to undermine democracy, and general run-of-the-mill insane assholes don’t have a right to have their voices heard? Huh?
So, in the interest of defending freedom of untrue speech, I am converting my blog into a vehicle on which anything that occurs to me—whether it come from a semi-lucid hallucinatory episode, the spite-saturated realms of take-no-prisoners politics, or an opium-addled fever dream—will be presented with no judgment whatsoever on its validity. You are free to decide for yourself whether you choose to believe any particular item, or not. Who am I to tell you what is real and what isn’t? Just because I’m the guy making this crap up doesn’t make me an authority on it, right?
Following is a sampling of what I dug out of my imagination after just two hours, several shots of tequila, and an entire bottle of NyQuil Cold and Flu Nighttime Relief:
JUST IN: With recent assurances from the President-elect that there will be a return to traditional values in America, the “War on Christmas” has shifted into guerrilla mode. New Age thugs and those “Celebrate Diversity” punks are targeting users of the only Trump-approved season’s greeting. Reports are accumulating that devout Christians are being subjected to vicious home-invasion attacks after returning from shopping trips, and are being forced to mail out greeting cards wishing their friends and family “A Happy Hanukkah” and “A Merry Kwanza To All.”
Good and faithful followers of our One and Only Lord Jesus are warned to look around for any scruffy looking individuals wearing “Atheists Do It Alone” t-shirts who may be lurking near check-out counters of major retail emporiums, close enough to hear you say the holy words “Merry Christmas” to the cashier. If so, take a circuitous route home and check your rearview mirror continually to be certain you are not being followed.
BREAKING: First Lady-Elect Melania Trump has filed for divorce in a New York court. It has long been rumored that she was dissatisfied in her marriage to a man known by every woman that has ever been in the same room with him for uncontrollably taking hold of what ever body part suits his fancy. However, it is the relationship between the in-coming president and his daughter, Ivanka, that troubles her the most. She is reported—by reliable sources, trust me—to have complained, “Why does she get her own line of clothing when all I got was this geeky kid?”
EXCLUSIVE: Hillary Clinton is moving to Benghazi, Libya. In an email recently retrieved by Julian Assange by way of the Kremlin, the former Secretary of State is said to have told her confidant Huma Abedin that she wanted to live somewhere where people appreciated her more.
YOU’LL ONLY HEAR IT HERE: Michael Moore killed Ronald Reagan! More on this shocking story as soon as anyone comes forth and claims to have heard the same thing.
RACHAEL MADDOW CAN ONLY WISH SHE’D REPORTED THIS FIRST: DNA analysis has revealed that Russian strongman Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are not-so-distant cousins! It had previously been assumed that—since Trump comes from German stock and Putin from a Slavic strain known for extremely close-set eyes—there was no relationship between the two other than a mutual attraction to using any means available to amass great wealth. But in a stunning announcement from the genealogy search website Ancestry.com, it has been revealed that both men are descendants of a common pair of great-great-grandparents, living approximately 210 years ago in what is now the Silesia region of modern-day Poland. While it is likely that the great-great-grandfather was of German or Austrian heritage, the origins of the great-great-grandmother is, at present, confusing. The mitochondrial DNA indicates she was what is known as a “Czech Improved White”—a variety of swine bred in Central Europe. Ancestry.com promises they will continue to investigate the results.
YOU’LL BE DAMN GLAD YOU KNOW THIS, EVEN IF YOUR FAMILY WILL THINK YOU ARE FUCKING NUTS IF YOU REPEAT IT: Donald Trump is not—repeat: is not—the anti-Christ! However, the anti-Christ appears to have secured a place in the Cabinet.
THIS IS THE TRUEST THING YOU WILL HEAR TODAY: News has leaked that Alex Jones, at present the most dominant presence on right-wing radio, smells like shit. Those critical of Jones admit to finding this revelation to be somewhat humorously ironic, seeing as it was him who spread the rumor that both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had a hellish sulfur smell about them. Said one source who did not wish to be named, “I’d take sulfur smell over shit smell any day, wouldn’t you? And think about this. You know when you’ve just taken a big dump in your girlfriend’s bathroom and you’re trying to get rid of the smell, you light a match. Right? A sulfur match. But then, nobody takes a crap to get rid of that match smell, do they?”
Asked to explain why Jones would reek of such a disgusting effluvia, a friend of his explained, “Look, what’s the big deal? Alex has figured out that there’s nothing he can do and nothing he could say that would make his followers turn against him, right? So why bother to walk all that way to the bathroom when he can just sit there and shit in his pants? Hey, it’s not like he’s going to lose credibility, or anything, is it”?
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Tell you what folks, I could do this all day long. It’s so much easier than having to verify whatever I write. Shoot, I haven’t Googled on anything since I started.
But I’d better wrap it up for now and start getting ready. See, I have a have a date with Angelina Jolie tonight. Yeah, that’s right … Angelina Jolie! She wants to have my baby. Uh-huh. That’s right. Angelina Jolie read this blog, and now wants to have my baby.
And don’t forget. You heard it here first.