Five-Letter Word


“You’re a real sack of trump, you know that?”

“Tell ya’ what, Boss. You can take this trumpin’ job and shove it up your fat TRUMP!”

“I can’t believe what a trump my ex-wife is being.”

“Seriously, somebody oughta just kick the trump out o’ that rotten trump sucker!”

“I can’t believe what a trump my ex-husband is being.”

“Trump you, trumphead!”

“That dude over there? … he’s so trump-whipped, he doesn’t have the trumps to tell her to hold her own trumping purse.”

“Eat trump and DIE, you MOTHER-TRU … “ Oops. Ya’ caught me.

Yeah, uh, hey, listen … uh … don’t take any of that personally. Really, I wasn’t talking to you. Heck, no. See, I was just … uh, sorta … practicing. Yup. Practicing. That’s all. I didn’t really mean any of it. Especially about you. Goodness gosh, no. It’s just that, well, see, I figure as long as we have to swallow this load of tru … er, crap, we might as well get something out of it. Right? We can’t just sit here and let everything go to these pirates without getting a little something for ourselves. Right? Huh? Am I right?

So the way I see it, at least we can get a great new swear word out of all this. I know that may seem a little … what? … infantile … or something. But look at it this way. You and I … you know, the ones who didn’t vote for this bastard … we’re probably going to go the rest of our lives looking at people we run into, be it old friends or compete strangers, wondering whether they’re one of the ones who did vote for this bastard. Right?

I mean, if this all goes down like I think it’ll go down, there’s going to be several million dummies who, over the next few months … maybe years, if they’re extra-dumb dummies … are going to wake up … waaaaay too fucking late, of course … but they’re going to wake up and realize what a huge, dumbass mistake they made by falling for that mother-fucker’s load of shit.

(Oh dear, please excuse my French. It’s just that  … well geez … I can’t even think about that sonofabitch without swearing. I know I sound awful, but I can’t help it. It’s like he’s brought out some recessive gene in me. Maybe Tourette’s Syndrome, or something like that.)

So anyway, these dummies are going to wake up and realize what a huge, dumbass mistake they made, and they will spend the rest of their lives pretending they weren’t one of the ones who voted for him. They’ll probably say they voted for Gary Johnson or that Jill lady, or maybe that they didn’t vote at all. The point is, they’ll be doing back-flips and cartwheels and loop-de-loops to get out of taking responsibility for putting that shitwad in the White House.But we can’t let them, see? Forgiveness may be divine and all, but as far as I’m concerned, saying “I TOLD you so!” is even diviner.

But listen, we can’t just walk up to every Tom, Dick and Harry and start every conversation with, “Are you one of the stupid dickheads who voted for that evil prick?”

No. We can’t do that. That would be rude.

What we can do, though, is rub their faces in it without them being able to know for sure that’s what we’re doing. So I’m substituting all the swear words I can think of, all the insults and scorn and utter contempt and stuff, with that single word. See? Get it?

And look, all of us who didn’t vote for the prick will understand and appreciate what that word will become. I mean, if we’re all using it like a curse instead of a family name … and I mean every time we say it … the word will turn into the ugliest, nastiest word in the English language. If it isn’t already, that is.

Why, I can even see it moving into other languages. Like, Ese hombre es uno pedazo de TRUMP! Comprendé?

The best part is, we will have an ultimate curse word that accurately reflects the etymology from which it springs. See what I mean? “Bucket of shit … bucket of trump?” It’s sort of like that onomatopoeia stuff, you know? … where the sound of a word imitates the reality of whatever it is meant to represent.

And for those who did vote for the asshole, whether they admit to it or not, every time we use it, they will be getting a gentle little elbow in the ribs … or maybe not so gentle, I don’t care … to remind them of how much they fucked up.

So see, that’s what you caught me doing. Working the word into a more appropriate usage in our daily speech. Some of you … probably most of you, actually … are thinking you’d rather never hear that word again. Ever!  I fully understand. But that’s because we haven’t been using it in its proper context.

Seriously, try it. The next time you’re pissed off … smash your thumb with a hammer, or stub your toe … or have some hillbilly dildo tailgate you on the freeway … or maybe the next time you want to tell your dumbshit Cousin Doofus what you think of him for voting the way he did, say it loud and say it proud—


No, it probably won’t make you feel any better. But it’s enough for me just to make them feel a little worse.

Please, do not try to read anything into this monkey’s orange hair. I can tell from his eyes he’s intelligent. That’s something I can’t say about … well, you know.



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