Who Would You Vote For if the Choice Was Between Donald Trump and …

A few days ago …

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This illustration is NOT the one that makes me think of Donald Trump

… Brother Steve was peeing in my toilet—(this is the way he tells it)—and for some reason he can’t explain, he asked himself if he would vote for Sarah Palin over Donald Trump, were those the only choices.

Listen, not for a second do I doubt that idea came to him in my bathroom. Over the years, I, myself, have had many of my most inspired thoughts while using that bathroom. I would never make such a wild claim as that I have a magic toilet, but who knows? I can’t prove it is a magic toilet, but you can’t prove it isn’t, can you? And the world is full of so many magical things, is it not? Rainbows. Butterflies. Childhood. Chocolate pudding.

So who’s to say a toilet can’t be magical?

But anyway, Brother Steve was visiting from Seattle way and we had not seen one another for a long time—a matter of years, not months. And after such a stretch, what do you suppose we—the two of us, our wives, my daughter and our sister (she was there, too), all of us being perhaps inordinately interested in politics for the better part of our adult lives, and even more so during this weirdest of all political seasons—spent most of our visit talking about?

That’s right. You guessed it. We talked about Donald Trump.

This was a Sunday afternoon, right at the height of Trump’s brouhaha with the Khan family, and a day or two before his brouhaha with how he’d like his daughter to respond to work-related sexual harassment, his brouhaha with not understanding why use of nuclear weapons was considered off-limits in a sane and civilized world, his brouhaha with refusing to endorse Paul Ryan and John McCain, and whatever brouhaha he gets himself into tomorrow.

When Brother Steve returned from peeing in my toilet, he said, “You know something? I just had the damnedest thought. I was thinking that if the only choices I had were between Trump and Sarah Palin, I honestly think I’d vote for Palin.”

Trust me on this: Brother Steve is about as big a fan of Sarah Palin as I am.

Before any of us could control ourselves, we were all coming up with absurd alternatives we actually would vote for to be President of the United States of America, if the decision came down to them and Donald Trump.

Mitt Romney? … easy. Richard Nixon? … of course. Ronald Reagan? … at least Reagan wasn’t crazy as a rabid rat.

Before many seconds passed, I realized there was a bloggable moment in this idea. The very next day, I went to the Google find-it machine to find if anyone else had had the same thought. The closest thing I could find was some televangelical preacher down in Texas (Robert Jeffress, if you care) who told his congregation that he would vote for Trump over Jesus Christ, Himself. (Some horseshit about how the Bible calls for a strongman to be leader. If you happen to know which Bible verse he was referring to, don’t bother to tell me. I don’t give a shit.)

So I decided to go ahead with it—the Fantasy Presidential Race, where players have the opportunity to vote for either _______________(fill in the blank) or Donald Trump. If you want to play, you can enter you’re fantasy ballot by going to bill.copeblog@gmail.com. (Perhaps we’ll talk more about it later. Perhaps not.)

I thought I’d get the ball rolling here by pitting Trump against a selection picked from his peers—men and women from the same experience as Donald, himself. No, no … I don’t mean peers in the experience of being a shady, braggart real estate developer who was born into riches and has exploited those riches to screw contractors, fake university enrollees, ex-wives, women in general, employees, competitors, and virtually everyone else who has crossed paths with him.

No, I mean peers in the experience of being a reality television personality.

Who would you vote for if the choice was between …

Donald Trump and Honey Boo Boo?

Donald Trump and Ozzy Osborne?

Donald Trump and Phil Robertson (or Willie, or Uncle Si, or any other hillbilly creep in the Duck Dynasty clan)?

Donald Trump and Duane “Dog” Chapman (the bounty hunter?)

Donald Trump and just anybody off the boat in The Deadliest Catch?

 Now listen, you don’t have to play the same version of the game I’m playing. You could use comparable historical figures, for instance. Such as: Who would you vote for if the choice was between

Donald Trump and Attila the Hun?

Donald Trump and Ivan the Terrible.

Donald Trump and Jefferson Davis?

Donald Trump and Pontius Pilate?

Donald Trump and Shiva the Destroyer?


Or, you could go the route of comparable figures from the world of utterly ridiculous cartoon characters.

Who would you vote for if the choice was between …

Donald Trump and Daffy Duck?

Donald Trump and Yosemite Sam?

Donald Trump and The Joker?

Donald Trump and Cruella DeVille?

Or, as there is no regulation in Fantasy Presidential Race that would prevent a player from using comparable inanimate objects, you might go with …

Who would you vote for if the choice was between

Donald Trump and a dildo?

Donald Trump and a toilet plunger?

Donald Trump and an empty tube of Preparation H?

Donald Trump and a dog turd?

We could go on forever, I suppose, imagining people, animals, minerals, vegetables, sacks of various undesirable substances, smears of various odiferous goops that have as much business being on a presidential ticket as Donald Trump. But obviously, there is a time restriction. As of today, there is exactly three months until America chooses between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. so let’s get going. After Nov. 8, I’m praying anything with Donald Trump’s name on it goes away for ever and ever.

And let us all thank my magical toilet for the inspiration for this game—with a nod to Brother Steve for carrying the message, of course.

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This one is.