July 25, 2016
Here’s what to expect from the Democrat’s convention.
But first, in the interest of full disclosure, I am obliged to tell anyone who is not acquainted with my situation, I am a Democrat. Been one all my life, even as a child too young to vote. Like most children, I identified with whatever my parents were, so until I was old enough to ask any fundamental questions, I considered myself a good Methodist and a loyal Democrat. Except for one misstep in 1968—my first presidential vote, incidentally—I have voted reliably Democrat, and have never regretted it.
So as you might expect, I hold high hopes for the national political convention kicking off today, particularly in comparison to the national political convention that wrapped up last Thursday night.
I am obliged to tell you that I watched very little of last week’s convention. At least, not in real time. I saw all I needed to see, and heard all I needed to hear later, after the fact, during that process where the controversial statements and over-all tone were strapped to the dissection table, splayed open like a biology class frog, and examined piece by piece.
Perhaps you’re thinking that I, as a political observer with a political blog, should have glued myself to the old Sanyo and caught every word, fresh from the mouth of boobs. But the truth is, I cannot stomach raw Republicans. In their un-processed state, they make me gag uncontrollably. Republicans are like oysters to some people: palatable when rolled in corn meal and deep-fried, but utterly revolting when raw.
Now, me?….. I can take raw oysters. No problem. But watch Republicans speak?….. I’d rather watch a dog take a shit. I’d rather watch crows pick apart road kill. I’d rather watch a morbidly obese woman give birth to an ugly baby, or an Adam Sandler movie, or a drunken fraternity boy vomit all over himself.
But as I said, I caught the gist of the GOP’s big blow-out quite completely, and without having to subject myself to their toxicity directly. And now it’s time for my Democrats to shine. So as a service to my readers, I offer a guide to what you will not see come out of Philadelphia. As to what you will see happen in Philadelphia this week, you can get that anywhere.
I should explain before we get started, this survey is not for Democrats. They’re welcome to read it, of course, but it is composed for the benefit of those Republicans who hate Hillary, and who also hate—judging from the way their party is behaving—all other Democrats, progressives, black people, brown people, gay people, all educated people, all intelligent people in general … anyone and everyone who ain’t them. As I think it’s a safe bet most of them won’t be watching the Democrat’s convention directly, just as those of us who can’t stomach Republicans didn’t watch that crapfest in Cleveland, I’m here to offer them a preview of what they won’t be watching, but might be curious about anyway … if indeed there is such a thing as a curious Republican.
Here we go—what you will not see in Philadelphia this week.
- You will not see a mob of mindless meatballs waving offensive placards, chanting “hang the prick for treason” or “throw the crooked bastard in prison,” in reference to the man Secretary Clinton will be running against.
Certainly the delegates on the floor will laugh at Donald Trump from time to time, particularly whenever a speaker points out how ridiculous the man is. If asked, they will not be shy about saying that Donald Trump lies more than you would expect even from the most disruptive teenage punk imaginable. And they will almost certainly boo when his absurd policy proposals are mentioned. They will shake their heads in dismay when his more obvious hypocrisies are exposed. But they will not call for his incarceration or worse, his execution.
For our Republican friends who don’t understand how two different crowds of convention delegates could behave so differently, just keep this in mind: Democrats are better human beings than Republicans.
It explains a lot, doesn’t it?
- You will not hear the GOP nominee linked to Lucifer.
While it is true we might hear Donald Trump linked to Vladimir Putin and Saddam Hussein, perhaps even other con men and grifters who have a record of bilking investors and innocent customers out of millions of dollars with get-rich schemes, there will be no mention of the epitome of evil, himself, or any other mythological figure symbolizing chicanery, chaos, and destruction … as appropriate as the reference might be.
- You will not learn of famous rock stars who object to the use of their songs as exciting background music for climactic moments at the Democrat’s convention.
Now, admittedly, were Hillary to come out onto the stage to the strains of “Cat Scratch Fever” or “Wang Dang, Sweet Poontang,” it could turn out I’m wrong about this. Ted Nugent can rightfully be called “famous”—if not for his music, certainly for his fascist politics, cruelty to animals, and the overt threats he has been making towards various Democrat leaders for years. And I can see clearly that, if the DNC production team did choose to use one of his shitty tunes as a backdrop, Ted would probably stomp about like the asshole he is, threatening to kill someone with his machine gun.
But it is unlikely that either Hillary Clinton or anyone else in the DNC leadership would pick anything from Ted Nugent’s catalogue, preferring artists with real talent and songs with real value. Ted Nugent proved a long time ago he has neither talent, nor value.
(I suppose there may be other, more talented, Rock&Roll stars who might take offense at having their music associated with Hillary or liberalism in general, but I’m not aware of them. And most Democrats have the taste not to pick Country&Western music for anything, let alone climactic moments.)
- You will not see the Democrat nominee’s mate—that would be Bill Clinton, should it have slipped you mind—come out before the collected delegates and make a speech that Michelle Obama made eight years ago.
I can’t believe this statement needs any further discussion. Yet at the same time, there are thousands and thousands of Republicans who see nothing wrong with a speech using the same words someone else used, even if those words are arranged in the same, exact, order the original writer arranged them. This, I guess, is why we hear so many Republicans—from the leadership down to the schlubb on the street—squawking the same bilge in the same inane way, over and over. It is symptomatic of the Right in general that, along with all the other admirable personality traits conservatives don’t possess, creativity is one of them.
- You will not hear a speech by any of the Democratic nominee’s former primary opponents refusing to endorse her because he still feels resentful over how she attacked him personally, questioned his integrity at every turn, called his wife ugly and his father a conspirator in the assassination of JFK.
It is simple how the Democrats manage to avoid this sort of embarrassing controversy at their conventions: They don’t run vicious, trashy, no-class candidates who would resort to such vile tactics as slandering the families of their opponents. It all goes back to that rule of thumb I mentioned earlier—i.e., Democrats are better human beings than Republicans.
- You will not see the nominee make an acceptance speech claiming America is teetering on the brink of apocalypse, and that she is the only person alive capable of saving it.
First of all, America is not teetering on the brink of apocalypse, considering that every economic indicator from the unemployment rate to the stock market, from rising wages to falling gas prices, are headed in the right direction—that crime rates have been falling for 20 some years and continue to plummet under President Obama—that ISIS and Al Qaeda have been weakened and disrupted so thoroughly they are resorting to taking credit for a few mentally disturbed individuals making desperate attacks on civilians—that our relations with Iran are better, and safer, than they have been in almost 40 years—and that the only people who do think we are teetering on the brink of apocalypse are Republicans with such a flimsy grasp on reality that their very ignorance, paranoia and malice make them greatest threat currently facing America.
Secondly, Hillary Clinton—not being a megalomaniacal fraud who is teetering on the brink of insanity (that is, if he hasn’t already teetered over the brink) would never say that she is the only one who can fix it. As a responsible and intelligent adult, she knows better than that.
- Finally, you will not see a writhing black miasma of bitterness, bile, hatred and antagonism hanging like a cloud of diseased locust over the arena in which the Democrats hold their convention.
And now our Republican friends—should any of them have gotten this far—are wondering what the hell I’m talking about. They will be muttering I didn’t see no damn writhing black miasma of bitterness, bile, hatred and antagonism hanging like a cloud of diseased locust over the Republican convention!
Well, of course they would say that, wouldn’t they? They are Republicans. And the last people we can expect to recognize the blight that Republicans have brought upon this land are … duh! … Republicans.
But we Dems saw it, didn’t we? And here comes the fresh breeze to blow that miasma away. It starts today, and will be like moving from this …
… to this …
(The preceding images are not actually from the Republican and Democrat National Conventions, per se. And the author wishes to apologize that he could not find an illustration of a dead elephant being ripped apart by hyenas and vultures, a more fitting counterpart to the happy, healthy donkey and pleased party-goers in the latter image.)