The history of the universe (according to Ken Ham)
According to Ken Ham, it all started 6000 years ago, give or take. Before that, there were no men, no women. There were no animals or plants, largely because men and women, plants and animals would have had no place to hang out, there being no Earth, either. And even had there been an Earth back then, it would be one mighty cold-ass place, as there was no sun. No sun, no moon, no stars, no black holes, no asteroids or comets or Saturn or Mars or Milky Way or Crab Nebula or nothing. Six thousand years ago, there was absolutely nothing! That’s because before six thousand years ago, God was still sleeping—I guess. We don’t really know, but He must have been doing something up until then, right? He’s God, for Christ’s Sake. But don’t ask me what it was, because not even Ken Ham tries to explain what could have been keeping The Lord occupied for that whole timeless infinity before He got around to creating the Firmament and night and day and everything else.
Including dinosaurs. Yes, of course, God created dinosaurs. Who else woulda? There would be no Steven Spielberg around for another six thousand years or so. And God did it within a day or two of when he created Adam and Eve, according to Ken Ham. (We have no information as to whether dinosaurs-or any other creatures, for that matter-were allowed into the Garden of Eden. Probably not, that’s my guess. Had to have been tough enough on the first couple, figuring out which berries and roots and leaves to eat without having to dodge foraging Brachiosauri stomping through the brush.)
Illustration of what Garden of Eden might have looked like (according to Ken Ham).
Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, a few generations after Adam and Eve got themselves eighty-sixed out of Eden, God got super pissed at something their descendants were doing, and decided to drown every man, woman and child like rats in a barrel. And of course, that meant He had to drown every other land-lumbering, air-breathing creature as well. Think about it … if He were to leave a few dry spots for the birds and beasts, that would have enabled some of the men, women and children to perhaps crawl uphill and be spared from drowning like rats in a barrel.
Bastards! It would have been just like those rotten-ass men, women and children to try to go against God’s Will and survive, huh?
(We can’t know where God got all the extra water, or what he did with it after the Flood. Perhaps Ken Ham has some thoughts on that matter, too.)
So, out of all the men, women and children on Earth at that time—probably about the current population of Cincinnati, that’s my guess—there was only one guy that God thought was worth not drowning like a rat in a barrel. And I’m sure you know who I’m talking about. Good ol’ Noah. He must have been the Billy Graham of the day, I figure. They probably called him “Never Naughty Noah” I bet, just because whatever all the other men, women and children were doing to deserve being drowned like rats in a barrel, Noah had no part in.
And it was pretty damn handy that Noah knew a thing or two about the construction trade, wasn’t it? I don’t imagine any old Tom, Dick or Harrythuselah back then could have thrown together a boat. Especially one big enough to hold a mating pair of every animal on the planet—which would have included a lot, lot, lot, lot, lot, lot more than we have now, remember? … since there were all those dinosaurs to find space for. And don’t forget the wooly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers and giant sloths and about a zillion other species that God insisted Noah get on board, just so they’d be around to go extinct later.
Like horses. Gad, there must have been 15 or 20 varieties of horse, alone, because that’s how many different kinds of horse bones have been dug up. And they all—two of each beast—had to have a berth on this big-ass boat of Noah’s. Had to be that way, seriously. God didn’t tell Noah to pick and choose which animals would make the cut, did he?
Hell no! God told Noah, “AND OF EVERY LIVING THING OF ALL FLESH, TWO OF EVERY SORT SHALT THOU BRING INTO THE ARK, TO KEEP THEM ALIVE WITH THEE; THEY SHALL BE MALE AND FEMALE” (Wording from the King James Bible, though yours truly choose to go all caps. Like?)
So there you have it. Nothing equivocal about the wording there. EVERY! LIVING! THING! That is definitely not the same as God saying, “SO, UH, NOAH…BUDDY. I’LL LET YOU DECIDE WHICH OF MY CREATIONS TO KEEP AND WHICH TO THROW UNDER THE BUS. JEEZ, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING WHEN I CAME UP WITH SO MANY KINDS OF HORSE, SO YOU PICK THE ONES YOU LIKE BEST. JUST MAKE SURE YOU KEEP THE DONKEYS. I’M REALLY PROUD OF THOSE DONKEYS.”
(To be fair, Ken Ham did try to explain that Noah would have brought on a horse-ish type creature, which, aprés-mass drowning, would have adapted into the variety of equines we see in our fossil record today. But surely, that was a misstatement, as it sounds an awfully lot like evolution, don’t you think? And one has to believe that God gave us Ken Ham to the purpose of disproving evolution—lock, stock and barrel—since that’s what he’s spent the greatest share of his life trying to do.)
And that’s what happened, according to Ken Ham. Every animal, ever, did not exist until God woke up and created them some six thousand years ago a day or two before He came up with Adam and Eve. Then, within nine or ten generations, he wiped them all out. All but a mating pair of each species. From aardvarks to ants and zebras to zebus. Drowned them all. Like rats in a barrel.
The White-Eared Titi, just one of the bazillions of creature species who’s ancestors were all drowned like rats in a barrel, if we are to believe Ken Ham.
Oh, did I forget to tell you who Ken Ham is?
Well I’ll be damned if I didn’t.
Ken Ham, brethren and sistren, is the fellow who, just a couple of weeks ago, opened a replica of Noah’s big-ass boat down in Kentucky. Now, if you had to pinpoint the geographical center of prideful, unbending, American ignorance, Kentucky wouldn’t be a bad place to start. Simply picture Kim Davis, the frumpy crackpot who made herself a national figure last year by using her position as a county clerk to deny marriage licenses to gay couples. I’ve actually been to Kentucky, and let me tell you, Kim Davis may well be the most typically representative female figure one could find, just as Mitch McConnell might be the most representative male figure that state has to offer.
What a mating pair that would be, eh?
But back to Ken Ham. There’s a good reason Ken Ham built his exact (according to Ken Ham) replica of Noah’s ark in Kentucky. That being: There’re plenty enough stupid people in Kentucky to make a Noah’s Ark theme park a commercial success. Ham’s anticipating two million visitors, at 40-bucks a pop, just in the first year. And for that $40, gullible inbreds will witness what it was truly like (according to Ken Ham) back when God was drowning everything that didn’t have gills like rats in a barrel—including how those dinosaurs looked all penned up snug and dry in their designated pens.
We would have to suppose this exact replica of Noah’s Ark does not include the poop. Seriously, by some Biblical scholars’ estimates, Noah, his family, and all those animals were floating around like a cork on an endless ocean for 364 days. That’s a lot of poop. And this was in the days before God gave us scoop shovels. Or wheel barrows. Or plastic bags.
On top of that, there were only eight people on board: Noah’s three sons and their wives, Noah’s wife, and Noah. And Noah was…according to Ken Ham (and everyone else who believes in a literal reading of the Bible) … 500 years old at the time. Five … hundred … years … old! So how much help do you suppose he was when it came to swabbing out the poop? Or feeding all those hungry mouths? Or making sure Sylvester wasn’t sneaking into Tweety Bird’s cage? Or … or …
Ah, but I’m sure, in time, Ken Ham will get around to answering any questions we may have about all those things that make about as much sense as a two-headed horse. And we can be confident there is no shortage of folks in Kentucky who will believe him.